I grew up in the Los Angeles area and like most of us sunshine chauvinists, I thought we could not be matched when it came to crash-and-burn auto salesman even though I knew these types were all over the country. We had so many of these pitchmen that I awaited their TV slots like some fan would await a big sporting event.
           
All of these guys are gone now, save for the one above, having been replaced by endless location shots of trucks being punished on some rocky mountain grade or some insufferable lame going “zoom, zoom, zoom.” Once again, the corporate kiss ruins another complexion.

However, there is one survivor hinted earlier who made it from roughly WWII to the death of the industry here in 2009, but I’m going to save him for a minute and give you peeks into this video library for the automotively insane, a library I spent a lot of time in.

Admittedly I could be stretching things a little, but I’m writing about people who were past masters at it. Here’s a taste.

1. Nick Shamus and giant Felix Chevrolet. Since the days when the Three Stooges worked for the Panther Brewing Company, Felix Chevrolet occupied a square of premier L.A. real estate at the corner of Washington and Figueroa just three or four miles south of City Hall. The perfectly named Shamus looked like a 1940s movie gangster, pencil-thin moustache, black wavy hair, wide lapel suits -- all he needed was a pre-War wide brim. He was maybe the only one of the L.A. greats who talked like a normal human being. No outrageousness, no shouting at the top of his lungs, no real gimmicks … save for one.

And that gimmick was, as Nick would put it, “my Spanish-speaking salesman, Senor Carlos Torbellino.” Shamus was a pretty sharp businessman being one of the first, if not the first, to go after L.A.’s sizeable Latino population. Any Felix Chevrolet ad was always accompanied by the reminder that “Se habla Espanol.”

Anyway, Carlos was one of the half-dozen fastest talkers I’ve ever seen in my 56-57 years of watching TV. Spanish spoken by a native always seems to this gringo likes it’s spoken at warp speed, but Torbellino embarrassed the term “torrent of words”. In his 20-second spot, Carlos could spit out about 7,000 of them. He spoke so fast that the Mexicans couldn’t understand him. As soon as he said, “Gracias Sr. Shamus”, Carlos came out of the gates like a rocket funny car, torching everything in his path. Probably cinged ole Nick too because Carlos soon disappeared, allegedly doing everything from selling bullfight programs to hosing off car lots or so I’m told.

2. “Chick” Lambert and “Storm” for Brand Motors Ford City. “The Chickster” was somewhat like Shamus, not a fender banger but maybe oozing a little too much sincerity. After watching one of his ads you needed a shower to rinse off all the syrup. Anyway, he had a gimmick too, not a Spanish-speaking salesman, but a handsome German shepherd that hopped from hood to hood as the pro mikester (I think drag racing’s Lou Baney owned Brand Motors) extolled the virtues of a half-dozen cars.

Midst hopping little jaunts, Lambert would intone, “Here’s a ’57 Oldsmobile. Mint condition. It’s got radio, heater, white walls, spacious trunk, and a brand new blown and injected fuel Olds under the hood. That’s my dog Storm on top:  He’s not for sale.”

Tragically, the popular team was sliced in half when a double deck factory car hauler backed over Storm, reducing him to a floor mat. Chick arrived at the dealership for a TV take and noticed that the guys in the service bay were playing Frisbee with what looked like a pizza. The tragedy put Chick in a rubber room and a few months later he was seen at another dealership hopping from hood-to-hood, tongue hanging out… at the end of a leash held by a guy who appeared to be Senor Carlos Torbellino.

3. The Yeakel Bros Olds and Plymouth. Bob and Phil Yeakel were normies by the time they had the Plymouth dealership, but, if I’m not mistaken, it was their earlier days as Olds pimps that high-strung energetic Bob made an Olympic Games-type move that earned him 9.8s on all score cards.

Bob was the first I saw kick off his shoes and leap onto the hood of one of his cars and began jumping up and down on the hapless vehicle.

“You don’t think this is a quality car, a strong reliable car? How about this?” he’d wail. One day one of the Oldsmobiles proved too much for Bob. His socks broke traction causing Bob to go into a double twisting back somersault and into a body cast. For a month or two it was weird watching Bob drool and mumble his ads while strapped to a gurney.

4.  “Hi friends, Ralph Williams. Ralph Williams Ford here in the beautiful city of Encino.”

Chutzpah R Us.